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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
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