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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I’m sad when my food is over.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`