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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.