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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.