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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?