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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.