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Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.