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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science