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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?