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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.