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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?