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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.