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Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
No one has ever been in an empty room.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.