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I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Being alive is so expensive.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Better late than pregnant.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.