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In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!