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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.