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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.