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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
I`m perfect you adjust.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.