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This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!