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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around