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Everyone has fitness goals and Iām over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.