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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.