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You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.