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For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.