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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!