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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.