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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.