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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!