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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of