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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.