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I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.