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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.