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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.