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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.