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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s