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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what Iām doing.