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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers