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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.