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For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.