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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.