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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.