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First fart at my new job.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!