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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.