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You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.