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I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!