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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one