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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls