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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.