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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.