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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.