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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.