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The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.