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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!