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If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I only accept apologies in cash.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...