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I wish my mind had a delete button.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.