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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.